ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
Michael: [ Thinking ] I'VE WALKED DOWN LIBERTY AVENUE,
OH, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES,
CHECKING OUT THE GUYS, ENJOYING THE VIEW,
NO PROBLEMA.
THAT WAS, UNTIL I MET HIM.
[ ?????? ]
AM I GOING CRAZY?
[ ?????? ]
?? SOMEDAY HE'LL COME ALONG ??
?? THE MAN I LOVE ??
Waiter: CHEERS. CHEERS.
?? AND HE'LL BE BIG AND STRONG... ??
Michael: I'M JUST FEELING A LITTLE VULNERABLE, THAT'S ALL,
SINCE BEN AND I BROKE UP.
BUT I'LL BE OVER THAT SOON ENOUGH,
COURTESY OF "PITTSBURGH MAN-2-MAN".
Date 1: [ Recording ] HI, THIS IS BARRY. I'M IN MY LATE 20s.
I LOVE TO EAT IN OR OUT.
I'D SAY I'M A WELL-ROUNDED GUY.
CAN YOU PASS THE BUTTER?
Date 2: [ Recording ] HEY, GUYS, I'M MARCUS,
A MOTIVATED BUSINESS PROFESSIONAL WITH CLEARLY DEFINED GOALS.
WHEN YOU'RE READY TO MAKE A LONG-TERM COMMITMENT, CALL ME.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT...
TERM LIFE INSURANCE?
Date 3: [ Recording ] HEY, I'M ED.
GREAT BODY, GREAT PERSONALITY,
LOOKING TO PAMPER THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.
[ Gulp ]
Michael: HE WANTED TO DIAPER ME.
Ted: AW, POOR BABY.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT FROM A 30-SECOND VOICE PERSONAL?
HONESTY. I DIDN'T LIE IN MY AD.
MUCH. [ Chuckling ]
YOU CALLED AND LISTENED
TO MY AD? [ Chuckling ]
IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
"HEY, IT'S MIKE.
CUTE, SWIMMER BUILD.
WHERE YOU GOIN'? BOY-NEXT- DOOR TYPE."
[ Chuckling ]
SOUNDS GOOD.
YOU ALSO ADDED A COUPLE EXTRA INCHES.
TO HIS HEIGHT. I-I...
BUT I WAS VERY PLEASED TO HEAR
THAT YOU'RE VERSATILE,
AND NOT A TOTAL BOTTOM.
AH, SOUNDS EVEN BETTER.
CAN I INTERJECT JUST ONE WORD OF MOTHERLY ADVICE?
INTERJECT AWAY.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET A BOYFRIEND
FROM VOICE MAIL.
BUT IF YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT TO MEET SOMEBODY,
GO SEE MY FRIEND. "IDA PEARLSTEIN,
MATCHMAKER".
I COULD MAKE A LOT OF TRITE MUSICAL THEATRE REFERENCES RIGHT NOW.
BUT I WON'T.
YOUR FRIENDS ARE FREAKS, MA.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE SET UP BY SOME OLDYENTA.
MICHAEL...
SEE THOSE LOVEBIRDS OVER THERE?
IDA FIXED THEM UP.
THEY'RE CELEBRAT- ING THEIR THIRD.
DON'T THEY LOOK HAPPY?
OR HEAVILY MEDICATED.
NOW I SAY TRY ADAM AND STEVE INTERNET DATING.
EH? SEE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING BEFORE YOU GET IT, YOU KNOW.
WEED OUT THE UNFUCKABLES.
DATING SERVICES?
MATCHMAKERS?
IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.
THE NEXT GUY THAT WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR
IS THE MAN I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
OH, MICHAEL,
THERE YOU ARE. YEAH.
RENT CHEQUE'S DUE TODAY, SWEETIE.
ADAM AND STEVE. ADAM AND STEVE.
[ Beeps of dialling ]
UP FOR ANOTHER GO? [ Chuckle ]
THINGS ARE TIGHT.
WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?
THE STORE POLICY, UH,
NO DEPOSIT...
NO RETURN.
THEN...
I'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.
YOU DON'T GET THAT.
OH, LET ME GUESS.
A BOYFRIEND?
HUH. THOUGHT SO.
[ Humming of elevator motor ]
I WAS IN ONE OF THOSE ARRANGEMENTS ONCE.
PROBLEM IS...
YOU LEAVE YOUR DOOR OPEN,
AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S GONNA COME IN...
OR OUT.
DO YOU MIND TAKING THE STAIRS?
CUTTING IT A LITTLE CLOSE, AREN'T YOU?
HEY. WE'RE HERE.
AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THE SALES THEY WERE HAVING.
LOOKS LIKE YOU PICKED UP A FEW THINGS.
YOU TOO.
I JUST SOLD A HOUSE.
SO, I DECIDED TO SPLURGE,
BUY MYSELF SOME NEW CLOTHES.
I'M WAY TOO OLD TO GO SHOPPING WITH MY MOTHER.
NOT WHEN SHE'S PAYING.
Brian: I HOPE YOU REMEMBERED
TO BUY HIM SOME RUBBERS...
UH, FOR THOSE RAINY DAYS.
HEY.
LOOK, YOU CAN WEAR THIS TO DAPHNE'S PARTY.
NAH. NOT GOING TO THE HETERO-HOP
WITH A BUNCH OF BEER- CHUGGING BREEDERS.
[ Snorting ] JUSTIN, YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT THERE,
AND MEET NEW FRIENDS YOUR OWN AGE.
NOTHING PERSONAL. OH NO, I AGREE.
YOUTH SHOULD BE SAVOURED.
I MET HIS DAD IN JUNIOR YEAR, BUT...
BELIEVE ME, BEFORE THAT, I DID SOME...
PRETTY... [ Chuckling ] WILD THINGS.
UH, IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
OKAY, I'VE GOT TO PICK UP YOUR SISTER.
SWEETHEART, COLLEGE IS GOING TO BE
THE BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE.
I'M JUST... I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU.
MMM-WAH. SO AM I.
BYE. BYE.
HOW WAS HE? NOT BAD.
WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE? [ Chuckling ]
GUESS.
[ Sniffing ]
UH...
6'2"...
[ Sniffing ]
175, BLACK HAIR, BROWN EYES...
SMOULDERING GOOD LOOKS.
THAT'S VERY GOOD.
MMMM. WHAT'D YOU DO?
YOU FUCKED HIM? YOU SUCK HIM? TELL ME.
WHY DON'T I JUST SHOW YOU?
HUP TWO, SOLDIER. BOMBS AWAY!
READY...
AIM...
FIRE!
[ Groaning ]
AH.
[ Gasping ]
BRAVO! [ Chuckling ]
FETCH DIXON DELIVERS ANOTHER STUNNING DISPLAY OF MANPOWER.
WELL... Cameraman: I'LL TAKE YOUR GUNS.
MY FANS EXPECT ME TO GIVE IT MY ALL.
WHOO. I DO HAVE A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD.
AND JUDGING FROM ALL YOUR CARDS AND LETTERS,
THEY LOVE TO WATCH YOU UPHOLD IT.
[ Giggling ]
"DEAR FETCH, I AM SENDING YOU THIS
AS A TOKEN OF MY AFFECTION.
PLEASE THINK OF ME WHEN YOU USE IT."
EUW.
"DEAR FETCH,
COULD YOU WEAR THIS TO THE GYM,
THEN POP IT BACK
INTO THE SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED...
ENVELOPE."
HI. GET A LIFE.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT, LET'S... WAIT. WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHAT?
OH, MY GOD!
TEDDY, LOOK.
IT'S EXQUISITE.
IT MUST HAVE COST A FORTUNE.
WELL, HERE'S A CARD.
"YOU ARE A BEACON OF LIGHT IN THE SORDID GLOOM OF CYBERSPACE.
FOND ADMIRATION...
YOUR SECRET ADMIRER."
MY SECRET ADMIRER. I...
ALL MY LIFE, I'VE...
I'VE WANTED A... SECRET ADMIRER.
HERE. HERE, HERE, HELP ME PUT IT ON.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KEEP IT?
I... IT'SGOLD!
WHAT QUEEN DOESN'T ACCEPT GOLD? HUH.
UH, ONE WHOSE LOYAL SUBJECTS SEND HIM GIANT DILDOES,
AND WANT TO SNIFF HIS JOCK-STRAP.
THEY'RE LUNATICS, EMMETT.
IF YOU LET THEM INTO YOUR LIFE,
THEY'RE GOING TO THINK THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS,
AND THEY'RE GOING TO EXPECT YOU TO BE THEIRS,
AND YOU'LL NEVER BE RID OF THEM, SO...
COME ON.
BUT IT'S SO SHINY...
AND PRETTY.
TAKE IT OFF.
I DON'T WANT TO. EMMETT!
ALL RIGHT.
UH, COME ON.
GIVE IT.
REMEMBER, EVERYTHING IN THIS LIFE
COMES WITH STRINGS ATTACHED. OKAY?
EVEN LITTLE, WHITE, SATIN ONES. I'M SORRY.
Man: OKAY. AND WE'RE ROLLING.
HI, I'M MIKE. UH, I'M JUST A FUN GUY,
AND I'D LOVE TO MEET ANOTHER FUN GUY,
SO CALL ME IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOME FUN.
UH... LET'S TRY IT AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME,
LET'S HAVE A LITTLE LESS "FUN".
LESS FUN.
UM... [ Clearing of throat ]
HEY, DUDES, IT'S MIKE.
I'M INTO GOOD TIMES,
GOOD FRIENDS, YOU KNOW, THE GOOD LIFE.
CALL ME.
IS THAT BETTER?
FOR A BEER COMMERCIAL, YEAH. UM, BUT, UH...
LET'S TRY IT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME,
LET'S TRY TO BE MORE... I DON'T KNOW, PERSONAL.
I NEVER KNEW MY FATHER.
HE WAS KILLED IN VIETNAM TWO WEEKS AFTER I WAS BORN,
BUT SOMEHOW WE MANAGED TO SURVIVE.
I DROPPED OUT OF COMMUNITY COLLEGE,
AND, UH, I WENT TO WORK AT THE BIG Q MART.
THAT'S WHEN MY UNCLE VIC CAME TO LIVE WITH US.
HE WAS DYING OF AIDS.
OKAY, UH, THANKS FOR SHARING, BUT, UH...
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A DATE, NOT A THERAPIST, ALL RIGHT?
SO WE'VE GOT TIME FOR ONE MORE,
SO PUT A MORE POSITIVE SPIN ON IT.
HI, I'M MICHAEL. I'M 29.
HONEST, SINCERE, ROMANTIC, WITH MY OWN BUSINESS.
I LIKE... WORKING OUT, DANCING, GOING TO CLUBS.
I HAVE A GREAT GROUP OF FRIENDS. I LOVE THEM TO DEATH,
BUT I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE WHO...
Ben's voice: WHO KNOWS THAT UNDERNEATH THAT MILD- MANNERED APPEARANCE...
BEATS THE HEART OF A SUPERHERO.
I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT?
[ Mixed chatter of passersby ]
I SWEAR YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
[ Chuckling ]
WELL, AS LONG AS WE'RE COMPARING...
HOLY SHIT!
IS THAT REAL GOLD?
I ALMOST BROKE A TOOTH TESTING.
MY SECRET ADMIRER SENT IT TO ME.
WHO DO YOU THINK IT IS?
I KNOW WHO I'D LIKE IT TO BE.
HUH. A DASHING, YOUNG PRINCE,
TOO... SHY AT FIRST TO REVEAL HE HAS A CRUSH ON ME.
BUT HE APPEARS AND...
WHISKS ME OFF TO HIS PALACE.
OH, WHERE YOU LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Both: [ Chuckling ]
I KNOW. IT'S...
HIGHLY UNREALISTIC.
MY FRIENDS WOULD PROBABLY LAUGH IF THEY HEARD ME.
OH, WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT LOVE, HONEY? HUH.
MOST OF THEM ARE TOO BUSY CHASING THEIR HARD-ONS
TO LISTEN TO THEIR HEART. HM.
STILL I... HAVE THIS DREAM...
OF... PERFECTION.
SO I... KEEP ON LOOKING...
HOPING AGAINST HOPE THAT I'LL FIND IT.
WELL, IT'S AN ADMIRABLE DREAM, HONEY.
BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU, EM, IN MOST CASES,
THAT KIND OF LOVE ONLY HAPPENS IN THE MOVIES,
AND EVEN THEN, ONLY TO AUDREY HEPBURN.
REAL LOVE, WHEN IT COMES, DOESN'T LOOK
ANYTHING LIKE WHAT YOU EXPECT.
PARDON ME.
YES?
YOU'RE FETCH, ARE YOU NOT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN SENT TO "FETCH" YOU.
EXCUSE ME. YOU...
YOU EXPECT ME TO GET INTO A CAR WITH A...
A TOTAL STRANGER AND... AND... AND...
DRIVE OFF TO GOD KNOWS WHERE? I...
SORRY, BUT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME BETTER. HUH.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. I'M NOT HIS MOTHER.
MY EMPLOYER IS EXPECTING YOU.
AND WHO... WHO EXACTLY IS YOUR EMPLOYER?
YOU KNOW
HE'S GOTTA TELL YOU HE'S NOT AT LIBERTY TO SAY.
I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO SAY.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTA DO THE REST OF THE DAY?
WASH OUT YOUR UNDIES?
OKAY.
WHOO!
Michael: [ On tape ] HI, I'M MICHAEL. I'M 29,
HONEST, SINCERE, ROMANTIC.
I LOVE DANCING, GOING TO THE MOVIES, WORKING OUT.
I-I GOT A GREAT GROUP OF FRIENDS. I LOVE 'EM TO DEATH,
BUT I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.
SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO HAVE SOME FUN, CALL ME.
WELL?
YOU HAVE EXCELLENT POSTURE.
NICE SHIRT.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.
IT'S PATHETIC.
AT LEAST SOMEBODY'S HONEST.
ASSHOLE.
WHAT A COMPLETE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY.
Brian: LISTEN, MIKEY, YOU HAVE TO SELL YOURSELF.
YOU'RE... YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT THAN TOOTHPASTE OR SHAMPOO.
PEOPLE WANT SEXY.
THEY WANT HOT. Ted: HE'S RIGHT.
I THINK I'LL RE- HEAT THIS PIZZA.
Michael: SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
DON'T MOVE.
[ ?????? ]
OW.
[ ?????? ]
LET'S SEE.
"NICE GUY..." MAKE THAT "A HOT GUY".
"WELL-ROUNDED..."
COULD YOU MAKE THAT "WELL-HUNG"?
"WITH A SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE."
"IS INTO ANY SCENE."
CAN'T SAY THAT.
SHUT UP AND SHOW ME SOME SKIN.
"IF YOU'RE GIVING,
WITH A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR,
BIG HEART..."
"IF YOU LIKE TO GIVE IT..."
Melanie: "HAVE A GREAT BODY..."
"AND A BIG COCK..."
"I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU."
Lindsay: PERFECT.
[ ?????? ]
THAT'S THE ONE.
[ ?????? ]
All: [ Gasps of delight ]
I'D DATE ME. SO WOULD I.
THEORETICALLY SPEAKING.
WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE.
[ Scoffing ] WRITERS,
COMPLAINING EVERY TIME YOU CHANGE A FUCKING WORD.
Melanie: YOU'LL BE BEAT- ING THEM OFF WITH A STICK.
Ted: HOPEFULLY YOU WON'T NEED A STICK.
Brian: SO HOW DOES IT FEEL, MIKEY,
TO BE THE HOTTEST GUY ON THE INTERNET?
Melanie: [ Chuckling ]
Emmett: WELL, IN THE MODERN RE-TELLING,
THE COACHWOULD BE A LIMO,
AND THE LIVERIED FOOTMAN WOULD, UH,
WOULD BE THE DRIVER,
AND CINDERELLA WOULD, OF COURSE,
BE A FAG RATHER THAN A WOMAN,
SINCE NO SELF-RESPECTING WOMAN WOULD LET HERSELF
BE ENTICED TO A STRANGE MAN'S HOME
WITH JEWELRY, A LIMO, CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR...
[ Chuckling ] THANK GOD.
[ Rolling of window ]
OH, MY GOD.
[ Chiming of clock ]
SOMETHING TELLS ME I'M NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE.
IN FACT, SOMETHING TELLS ME I'M NOT IN PITTSBURGH ANYMORE.
FETCH?
[ ?????? ]
IT'S HIM.
UH, YOUR, UH, YOUR... YOUR MAJESTY.
YOUR... GRACE, YOUR, UH...
GORGEOUSNESS, I, UH...
I RECEIVED THE BRACELET...
AND I'M YOURS.
I'M THE BUTLER, SIR.
UH... OH.
THIS WAY.
OKAY. YEAH. RIGHT.
JESUS, IF HE'S THE BUTLER...
THANK YOU. [ Chuckle ]
[ Closing of door ]
OH... MY... GOD!
?? IF... THEY... COULD... SEE ME NOW ??
?? THAT LITTLE GANG OF MINE ??
[ Giggle ] NO, NO, NO. DON'T DO THAT. NO. NO.
THIS IS, UH, NO TIME TO BE A SHOW-TUNE QUEEN.
THIS IS, UH... IT'S MUCH MORE...
[ English accent ] "MASTERPIECE THEATRE".
YES. OH.... [ Chuckling ]
[ Clearing of throat ] YOUR HIGHNESS. YES.
HOW VERY KIND OF YOU TO INVITE ME.
I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE. YES.
JOIN YOU BY THE FIRE? OH, I'D BE DELIGHTED.
[ Chuckling ] DO YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK YOU, IS, UH,
IS CHARMING YOUR FIRST NAME
OR YOUR LAST? [ Yelp of surprise ]
OH. HUH.
JESUS CHRIST. SCARED ME TO DEATH.
I DIDN'T, UH, DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE WAS HERE.
I'M, UH, I'M FETCH.
WAITING FOR THE MASTER.
I'M GEORGE SCHICKEL.
I AM THE MASTER.
Y... YOU... I SEE YOU, UH,
RECEIVED MY LITTLE... TOKEN OF ESTEEM.
HUH?
OH... YEAH.
I WAS ON THE INTERNET ONE DAY,
"SURFING" I BELIEVE IS THE WORD,
WHEN I CAME UPON YOU.
OH, MY, MY, MY.
YOU'RE A VERY TALENTED BOY.
HARDLY A BOY.
AT MY AGE,
EVERYONE'S A BOY.
NOW THEN... [ Clearing of throat ]
SHALL WE DISCUSS YOUR FEE? FEE?
OH, FOR YOUR... SERVICES.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU PEOPLE CHARGE, SO, UM,
WILL A THOUSAND SUFFICE?
A TH... THOUSAND? A...
[ Chuckle ] ALL RIGHT, TWO.
TWO? TWO... ALL RIGHT. THREE.
GOD, YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN...
SO IT HAD BETTER... BE HARD.
[ Chuckle ]
EXCUSE ME, MR. SCHICKEL,
BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE.
I'M NOT, AS YOU SEEM TO THINK,
FOR HIRE.
I CAME HERE E-EXPECTING...
WELL, IT'S...
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT I CAME HERE EXPECTING,
EXCEPT TO SAY I DIDN'T FIND IT.
THANK YOU FOR THE, UH, LOVELY GIFT...
AND FOR ALLOWING ME A FEW MOMENTS TO DREAM.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
[ ?????? ]
YOU WANT ME TO FUCK YOU?
I WANT YOU TO WASH MY BACK.
[ ?????? ]
BETTER GET A MOVE ON.
THE GUYS ARE WAITING ON US.
YOU KNOW MAYBE YOU SHOULD...
GET SOME FRIENDS YOUR OWN AGE.
YOU SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER.
WELL, SOMETIMES YOUR MOMMY'S RIGHT.
I HAVE FRIENDS MY OWN AGE.
YOU'RE MY AGE, EMOTIONALLY.
I MEAN LIKE DAPHNE.
HUH! I'M NOT GOING TO HER LAME-ASS PARTY.
WHY? YOU GOT SOME- THING BETTER TO DO?
BE WITH YOU.
YOU CAN ALWAYS BE WITH ME.
YOU PRACTICALLY ARE.
WHAT IF I MEET SOME HORNY FRAT BOY?
FUCK HIM FOR ME.
AW. HEY, I JUST WANT YOU TO ENJOY YOUR YOUTH.
I CERTAINLY HAVE.
Michael: 19 GUYS ALREADY.
Ted: HE'S NOT BAD.
HE'S EVEN BETTER.
OH MY GOD! HE'S PERFECT.
AND HE WANTS TO MEET YOU TONIGHT.
Both: [ Chuckles of disbelief ]
I GOTTA GIVE BRIAN CREDIT, HE CAN SELL ANYTHING,
[ Opening of door ] EVEN ME.
HEY, EM, YOU WANNA SEE MY DREAM DATE?
Emmett: FUCK OFF.
Ted: WHO PISSED ON YOUR PARADE?
MY SECRET ADMIRER. Ted: YOU DIDN'T.
I THOUGHT WE AGREED
THAT THIS WASN'T REALLY A GOOD IDEA.
I KNOW. BUT HIS CHAUFFEUR PICKED ME UP.
YOU DID IT WITH HIS CHAUFFEUR?
NO, SWEETIE, HIS CHAUFFEUR
DROVE ME... TO HIS PLACE... [ Grunt of effort ]
WHICH MAKES BUCKINGHAM PALACE LOOK LIKE A WINNEBAGO.
[ Sigh ] SO WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY?
GEORGE SCHICKEL.
"SCHICKEL'S PICKLES"?
"THE PICKLE THE PEOPLE PREFER"?
WELL, HE CAN KEEP HIS PICKLE.
IT'S LIKE, 300 YEARS OLD.
THEY SAY HE'S WORTH A FORTUNE.
WELL, UNFORTU- NATELY FOR HIM
HE FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING
THAT EVEN HIS MONEY CAN'T BUY,
NAMELY... ME.
HE THINKS YOU'RE A...
A HUSTLER! CAN YOU IMAGINE? HUH!
UNBELIEVABLE. THE NERVE!
I TOLD HIM, "I AM AN ARTIST.
WHAT I DO REQUIRES CONCENTRATION,
DEDICATION, DETERMINATION...
Ted: DON'T FORGET EJACULATION.
TAKE MY WORD; IT'S A LOT HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.
AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING, MR. SCHICKEL,
WHAT YOU SEE IS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT YOU GET.
[ ?????? ]
Daphne: UH, JUSTIN?
HAVING A GOOD TIME?
CAN'T YOU TELL?
YES, WELL YOU HAVE TO MINGLE.
WITH YOUR HAPPY HETERO FRIENDS?
LOOK, IF I CAN DEAL WITH THE HOMOS AT WOODY'S,
YOU CAN HANDLE THEM, HMM?
YEAH, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
NO ONE TO HANDLE.
[ ?????? ]
WAIT.
WE HAVE TO BE SAFE.
DON'T WORRY.
I COME PREPARED.
PUT IT ON MY DICK.
JUST, UH...
GO SLOWLY, OKAY?
I...
I'VE NEVER...
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
I'LL TAKE IT EASY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING OUT.
HUNH! AND MISS THE BETTY HUTTON FILM FESTIVAL?
MY DATE IS COMING OVER. SO?
HE LOOKS REALLY HOT. WHAT IF WE WANT TO FUCK RIGHT HERE ON THE FLOOR?
I PROMISE NOT TO LEAVE ANY CRUMBS.
AND I HATE TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE, BABY,
BUT MOST OF THOSE GUYS DON'T EVEN USE THEIR OWN PHOTOS,
UH, OR ELSE THEY TOOK IT, LIKE, 30 YEARS AGO.
DON'T BE SO CYNICAL.
AND DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN HE SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR,
TURNS OUT TO BE SOME OLD GEEZER.
LOOK, JUST 'CAUSE YOU HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE, [ Knocking on door ]
DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYONE'S OUT TO GET WHATEVER THEY WANT
BY WHATEVER MEANS THEY CAN.
THERE'S STILL SOME HONEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
YOU'RE RIGHT, THEY ALL LIE.
HE'S, LIKE, THIS 300-YEAR- OLD GUY IN A RED CARDIGAN.
I BELIEVE THAT ONE'S FOR ME.
[ Knocking on door ]
MR. SCHICKEL,
I DO NOT APPRECIATE BEING STALKED.
SO KINDLY REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY DOORWAY,
MY BUILDING, MY STREET AND MY LIFE.
PLEASE, PLEASE I...
I'VE GONE TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO FIND YOU.
QUITE UNNECESSARY, I ASSURE YOU.
OH, NO, NO, NO. I-I WAS...
I WAS JUST HORRIFIED WHEN I REALIZED THAT I'D MADE SUCH A...
REALLY SERIOUS MISCALCULATION.
A MISCALCULATION IS WHEN YOU CAN'T BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK.
THIS WAS... AN INSULT.
I REALIZE THAT.
SO I HAVE COME HERE TO OFFER YOU MY APOLOGIES...
AND, UH...
AND THIS...
BECAUSE I WOULD STILL LIKE YOU TO HAVE IT.
I DON'T ACCEPT GIFTS FROM FANS.
THEN HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
SORRY, I... ALREADY...
PLEASE.
PLEASE?
IT WOULD JUST BE A SMALL BUT...
NEVERTHELESS HEART- FELT EXPRESSION OF MY DEEPEST REGRET,
AT HAVING TREATED YOU IN SUCH A RUDE
AND REPREHENSIBLE MANNER.
WELL, I...
I DON'T THINK YOUR MANNER'S THAT... REPREHENSIBLE. I...
[ Chuckle ]
WELL...
OH, ALL RIGHT.
GO... REV UP THE CARRIAGE, PRINCE CHARMING, I'LL...
GET MY SLIPPERS.
[ Chuckling ]
HMMM.
UH, EXCUSE ME,
I'M LOOKING FOR MICHAEL.
OH MY GOD, YOU, UH...
YOU REALLY ARE A DREAM. [ Chuckle ]
SO... MICHAEL,
YOUR DATE'S HERE.
WHERE WERE YOU 10 SECONDS AGO
WHEN I WAS STILL AVAILABLE?
OH, UM, COME IN.
THANKS.
Both: SO, UM... [ Laughing ]
I THOUGHT WE'D, UH, DO MAYBE PIZZA AND A MOVIE.
OR, UH, TEX-MEX AND DANCING.
OR WE COULD JUST STAY HERE AND FUCK OUR BRAINS OUT.
UH, THAT ONE.
[ Chuckling ] YOU NEGATIVE?
YOU?
[ Distant party hubbub ]
AH. SO, UH...
WHAT WAS YOURS LIKE?
YOUR FIRST TIME? HMMM.
I SAW HIM, I KNEW RIGHT AWAY HE WAS THE ONE.
WERE YOU SCARED? [ Laughing ] SHITLESS!
[ Sigh ]
WE WENT BACK TO HIS PLACE. I SWEAR...
I COULDN'T SPEAK MY HEART WAS POUNDING SO HARD.
I LET HIM FUCK ME THOUGH.
I STILL REMEMBER FEELING HIM INSIDE ME...
SEEING HIS FACE WHEN HE CAME...
[ Pounding on door ]
WANTING IT TO GO ON FOREVER.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. [ Pounding on door ]
Woman: WE NEED OUR COATS.
FUCK OFF!
Both: [ Laughing ]
GOD, I HATE THESE STUPID PARTIES.
AH, ME TOO.
I WOULDN'T HAVE COME, BUT IF I DIDN'T,
MY FRIEND DAPHNE WOULD NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.
WELL, I USUALLY END UP STANDING IN THE CORNER
WATCHING THEDUDES ANDBABESAND...
THINKING HOW I SHOULD HAVE STAYED HOME AND WATCHED MTV.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO CLUBS AND BARS?
YOU'D MEET LOTS OF GUYS THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO MEET A LOT OF GUYS.
I WANT TO MEET JUST ONE, HUH,
THAT I CAN BE WITH...
JUST THE TWO OF US.
YEAH!
THINGS DON'T EXACTLY WORK OUT THAT WAY.
THEY CAN IF YOU WANT THEM TO.
[ Pounding on door ]
Woman: COME ON!
I GUESS WE BETTER GET DRESSED.
Woman: HURRY UP!
COME BACK HERE.
Woman: COME ON. [ Pounding on door ]
MMM!
MMM, I LOVE...
BURGER QUEEN! [ Chuckling ]
BUT YOU KNOW, FOR ME...
WHAT MAKES IT A ROYAL TREAT
IS NOT THE ALL-MEAT PATTY
OR THE SPECIAL BUN.
IT'S THE PICKLES. AH.
I RELISH THE COMPLIMENT.
Both: [ Laughing ]
AND THEY'RE... THEY'RE... THEY ARE MINE, YOU KNOW.
OH YEAH? OH YEAH.
OH. [ Chuckling ]
I'M A PICKLE-LOVER FROM WAY BACK.
MY GREAT AUNT LULAH BACK IN HAZELHURST, MISSISSIPPI,
SHE USED TO MAKE 'EM.
SHE HAD A VAT RIGHT OUT THERE ON HER KITCHEN PORCH.
I'D GO OVER THERE EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL,
AND WE'D SIT OUT BACK AND...
GAB AND SUCK ON THOSE BIG OLD THINGS.
[ Chuckle ] WHICH WAS PROBABLY
MORE SIGNIFICANT TO LATER STAGES OF MY PSYCHO-SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT
THAN I CARE TO GO INTO.
[ Hearty chuckle ]
YOU HAD A REALLY COLOURFUL FAMILY.
I PREFER TO THINK OF THEM AS LUNATICS.
YEAH. EXCEPT FOR AUNT LULAH,
WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE CRAZY ONE.
SHE WAS MY ONLY FRIEND. HMM.
THE REST OF THEM...
WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THE...
THE LOCAL SISSY BOY.
MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY LONELY.
HMM.
DIDN'T STOP ME FROM BEING WHO I WANTED TO BE.
FUCK 'EM ALL!
THAT WAS MY MOTTO.
STILL IS. [ Laughing ]
WELL... I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE.
I WISH I'D HAD IT.
INSTEAD I CHOSE TO... LIVE A LIE,
SUBJUGATING MY FREEDOM,
MY DESIRES TO THE FAMILY FORTUNE.
I EVEN ALLOWED THEM TO...
MARRY ME OFF TO THIS MEAT-PACKING HEIRESS
SO THAT WE COULD MAKE BEAUTIFUL SAND- WICHES TOGETHER.
OH, IT WAS A PERFECT MERGER...
TILL ONE DAY ABOUT...
FIVE YEARS AGO, SHE CAME HOME AND...
CAUGHT ME GIVING THE GARDENER A BLOW JOB
RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF HER PRIZE- WINNING ROSE GARDEN.
WHY, GEORGE... [ Chuckling ]
YOU RAKE.
FRENCH-FRY? MMMM.
WELL IT WASN'T...
AS IF I WERE CHEATING ON HER. I MEAN,
WE HADN'T HAD SEX SINCE 1972.
BUT SHE, UH, SUED ME FOR MILLIONS.
TURNED THE CHILDREN AGAINST ME.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, I...
BECAME A SOCIAL PARIAH.
AT LEAST YOU WERE...
FINALLY FREE TO BE YOURSELF.
YEAH, YEAH, TO BE ALONE, FRIENDLESS...
AND BUYING COMPANIONSHIP OVER THE INTERNET.
WELL...
FUCK 'EM ALL!
[ Panting ]
UH... OH, MAN.
Both: [ Gasping ]
YOU ARE PERFECT.
I KNOW.
BUT... I WASN'T ALWAYS.
I USED TO WEIGH 350. I WAS BALD.
I HAD HIDEOUS, COARSE BODY HAIR ALL OVER MY BACK,
MY SHOULDERS, MY STOMACH. REALLY?
NOT TO MENTION NO CHIN. HUGE HONKER,
ZERO CHEEKBONES. DEFINITELY NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.
BUT YOU LOOK SO... IT ALL STARTED WITH LIPOSUCTION.
THEN A SERIES OF OPERATIONS TO TIGHTEN MY SKIN.
NEXT, LASER HAIR REMOVAL,
EVERYWHERE EXCEPT MY PUBES,
WHICH, OF COURSE, I TRIM. OF COURSE.
AFTER THAT HAIR TRANSPLANTATION,
SCALP REDUCTION, NOSE JOB,
CHEEK AND CHIN IMPLANTS.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN EXPENSIVE.
OH, A HUNDRED THOU, GIVE OR TAKE,
MY FOLKS HAVE MONEY.
NOW I WORK OUT WITH A TRAINER, ADOLPH,
FIVE HOURS A DAY, SIX DAYS A WEEK,
IT'S BRUTAL BUT, GOTTA MAINTAIN.
AND FOOD COMBINING, VERY IMPORTANT.
YOU CAN EAT PROTEINS WITH VEGETABLES
OR CARBS WITH VEGETABLES,
BUT NEVER, NEVER,NEVER...
PROTEINS WITH CARBS. GOT IT.
SUPPLEMENTS ARE ESSENTIAL.
YOU WANT SOME HAAGEN-DAAZ?
HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING?
YOU KNOW...
YOU COULD USE A LITTLE IMPROVING YOURSELF...
LASER HAIR REMOVAL ON YOUR CHEST,
PEC IMPLANTS. THE BRIDGE OF YOUR NOSE
IS DEFINITELY... IT'S TOO WIDE.
A-A-AND NOTHING PERSONAL BUT...
YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER A... A PENILE EXTENSION.
THANKS FOR THE TIP.
Justin: [ Moaning ]
YOU'RE FINALLY UP. [ Chuckling ]
WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MORNING HARD-ON,
ALTHOUGH IT'S AFTER NOON.
SOMEBODY GOT HOME LATE LAST NIGHT.
2:58, JUST UNDER THE WIRE.
OL' DAPHNE MUST HAVE HAD SOME KICK-ASS PARTY.
MMM, YEAH, IT WAS ALL RIGHT.
[ Sniffing ]
MY NOSE TELLS ME IT WAS BETTER
THAN ALL RIGHT.
I SMELL A VARSITY LACROSSE PLAYER.
[ Chuckling ] YOU'RE WAY OFF.
HOLD ON.
[ Sniffing ]
HM, IT'S COMING.
HMM. [ Sniffing ]
A NICE, TIGHT COMPUTER NERD.
YOU'RE GETTING WARMER.
[ Sniffing ]
A SCENT OF INNOCENCE.
A... A VIRGIN.
A LUCKY GUESS.
YOU KISSED HIM.
I THINK I'LL TAKE A SHOWER.
THE FACE WAS GREAT. THE BODY WAS GREAT.
THE SEX WAS GREAT.
AND THEN HE STARTED TALKING.
SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU HAD SEX ON A DATE
BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD A CONVERSATION?
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
AND WHY'S THAT?
BECAUSE SEX IS DIFFERENT FOR MEN THAN IT IS FOR WOMEN.
THE NEED IS MORE IMMEDIATE, MORE INTENSE.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I'VE READ.
WHERE, IN "FIELD AND STREAM"?
UH, JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION, LINZ AND I FUCK LIKE CRAZY.
WE PANT AND DROOL LIKE A COUPLE OF BITCHES IN HEAT.
OUR PUSSIES SOAK THE SHEETS.
Lindsay: AND WE GO AT IT A LOT LONGER
THAN THE 10-MINUTE TUMBLE YOU GUYS CALL SEX.
AND YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW
HOW MANY TIMES WE GET OFF IN A NIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T.
HI, HONEY MOM...
WHAT'S THE MATTER? DID SOMETHING SCARE YOU?
JUST US.
I THINK MICHAEL HAD A BAD DATE.
I TOLD YOU TO CALL IDA, FOR CHRISSAKES.
SHE'S A FUCK- ING GENIUS.
I'LL END UP WITH A JEWISH PRINCESS.
YOU COULD END UP WITH A LOT WORSE. MMM.
OH-H.
[ Chuckle ] [ Shudder ]
[ Groans of exertion ]
[ ?????? ]
GEEZ, EASY!
YOU'VE GOT A LOT ON THERE.
I FEEL SLACK. I NEED TO TIGHTEN UP.
YOU HAVE A 18- YEAR-OLD AT HOME.
WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? Emmett: KEEPING HIM.
IT'S A SHAME YOU CAN'T ENJOY YOUR GOLDEN YEARS WITHOUT...
WORRYING ABOUT EVERY SAG, EVERY WRINKLE.
AH, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE SO MANY...
MANYYEARS YOUR JUNIOR.
THERE'S ALWAYS THAT CONSTANT NAGGING FEAR
HE'S GONNA DUMP YOU FOR A...
HOTTER, CUTER, YOUNGER,
FIRMER... STUD.
YEAH, I DON'T ENVY YOU YOUR YOUTH.
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SINCE YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE WHO'S 103.
I'M NOT DATING HIM. WE SHARED A BURGER.
[ Laughing ] HE CAN HAVE SOLIDS?
YOU KNOW, GEORGE MAY NOT BE 29
OR HAVE A PERFECT CHIN OR A 30-INCH WAIST,
BUT HE'S A LOT NICER THAN CERTAIN ARROGANT,
CONTEMPTUOUS, SELF- DELUDED ASSHOLES THAT I KNOW.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM AGAIN.
NO, WHEN WE, UH...
WHEN WE SAID GOOD NIGHT, WE, UH, ALSO SAID GOODBYE.
YOU THINK HE ACTUALLY LIKED HIM?
SOME GUYS ARE INTO PRIME, AGED COCK.
BETTER HOPE JUSTIN IS.
[ Gasp of exertion ]
OH GOD.
SO YOU'RE MICHAEL.
OH, YOUR MOTHER JUST RAVES ABOUT YOU.
YOU TOO. [ Chuckle ]
SO, A-ARE YOU A P-FLAG MOM OR...
ACTUALLY I'M A P-FLAG SON.
HAVE SOME BUNDT.
OH, RELAX.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU GOTTA DATEME.
[ Clearing of throat ]
NOW, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
UM, HE SHOULD BE TALL,
BLUE EYES, BUILT LIKE SUPERMAN.
WELL, WE ALL KNOW YOU BOYS WANT BEAUTIES. THAT'S A GIVEN
YOU ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE OUTSIDE.
MICHAEL SWEETHEART, WHAT DO YOU WANT ON THE INSIDE?
I-I...
I DON'T KNOW.
SURE YOU DO.
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES.
THINK.
HE'S GOTTA BE PAS- SIONATE ABOUT LIFE.
HE'S WORKED HARD TO SURVIVE IT...
YET HE'S MAINTAINED HIS... HUMOUR.
HE'S CHARMING, KIND.
UH-HUH.
HE DOES SOMETHING CREATIVE, MAYBE A WRITER.
AND HE'S INTO SPIRITUAL STUFF, LIKE BUDDHA.
AND HE FOCUSES ON LIVING IN THE NOW
BECAUSE THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE.
OH...
AND WHEN I'M WITH HIM, I FEEL LIKE A BETTER PERSON.
UH-HUH.
UH... AHA!
NO.
AH! HERE HE IS.
THE LIMELIGHT, LIBERTY AVENUE, 8:00 O'CLOCK.
SHOULDN'T I SEE A PHOTO- GRAPH? HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE?
OH, YOU DON'T NEED ONE.
TRUST ME, YOU'LL KNOW.
Various: A NEW MEMBER. OOH! HI...
[ Lewd chuckles ]
HONEY...
JUST START BREATHING
AND TAKE A SEAT AND I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
AH, A-ACTUALLY, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY.
IN THIS JOINT, WHO ISN'T? [ Chuckle ]
JUSTIN.
FRIEND OF YOURS? HUH.
UH, DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE A BREAK?
TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED...
AS LONG AS YOU'RE BACK IN FIVE MINUTES.
WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'VE BEEN THINK- ING ABOUT YOU SINCE LAST NIGHT.
I REALLY MISSED YOU.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
SURE I DO. AND, UH...
YOU KNOW ME TOO.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME HERE AGAIN, OKAY?
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE I SAID SO.
YEAH, BUT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED,
I THOUGHT THAT WE COULD HAVE THIS... NOTHING HAPPENED.
WE FUCKED, THAT'S ALL.
THAT'S NOT ALL.
I LOVE YOU.
[ Scoffing ] YOU DON'T LOVE ME.
AND FROM THE WAY YOU KISSED ME, I CAN TELL
THAT WE HAD THIS CONNECT... DO YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC YOU ARE?
ONE LOUSY FUCK.
NOW YOU'RE CARRY- ING ON LIKE SOME LOVESICK FAIRY.
YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN.
FAGS WILL SAY ANYTHING TO GET THEIR DICKS SUCKED
OR FUCK A NICE ASS.
THEN IT'S ON TO THE NEXT.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I KNOW WHAT I FELT.
YEAH WELL, I DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
YOU'RE YESTERDAY'S FUCK.
HMMM.
SHOULDN'T YOU LET THE GARDENER DO THAT?
THE GARDENER'S GOOD FOR SOME THINGS.
IT'S A NEW GARDENER.
[ Chuckling ]
BUT THESE NEED SPECIAL CARE.
WHO WOULD THINK AN UGLY LITTLE THING LIKE THIS
COULD CONTAIN SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL.
I USED TO HELP MY MOTHER IN THE GARDEN.
ONCE I, UH, I PLANTED A LIGHT BULB.
THOUGHT COME SPRING THERE'D BE A CHANDELIER.
Both: [ Laughing ]
DUMB, HUH?
CHARMING NEVERTHELESS.
OH, UH, TO, UM,
TO THANK YOU FOR DINNER, I, UH,
I BROUGHT US SOME LUNCH.
YOU REALLY MUST LOVE BURGER QUEEN.
I ASKED FOR EXTRA PICKLES.
[ Chuckling ]
THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU, FETCH.
ACTUALLY MY... MY REAL NAME ISN'T FETCH.
IT'S, UH, IT'S EMMETT.
NICE TO MEET YOU, EMMETT.
WELL.
UM...
WHY NOT? RIGHT HERE.
THANK YOU.
?? I'LL KNOW ??
?? WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG... ??
Michael: [ Thinking ] DISTURBING QUESTION NUMBER ONE:
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RECOGNIZE MY DATE
WHEN I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM?
DISTURBING QUESTION NUMBER TWO:
WHY DO I LISTEN TO MY MOTHER?
SHIT! BEN'S HERE.
THIS TIME I'M NOT HALLUCINATING, IT REALLY IS HIM.
DISTURBING QUESTION NUMBER THREE:
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO IMPRESS MY DATE WHEN...
OH FUCK, BENISMY DATE.
THATMESHUGENA YENTA ACTUALLY FIXED ME UP WITH...
OH GOD, HE'S LOOKING AT ME.
WHAT'LL I DO? WHAT'LL I DO?
MICHAEL?
BEN, WHAT A SURPRISE.
YEAH, YEAH, SMALL WORLD.
ISN'T IT? IDA SURE WAS RIGHT
WHEN SHE SAID I'D KNOW WHO IT WAS.
[ Chuckle ] WHO?
IDA. THE MATCHMAKER.
MY MOTHER'S GONNA SHIT WHEN SHE HEARS ABOUT THIS.
UH, ABOUT... ABOUT WHAT?
YOU AND ME.
OH, YEAH, I'M SORRY, I'M, UH,...
AREN'T YOU HERE FOR A DATE?
YEAH, YEAH, I AM,
BUT, UH... HI.
BUT NOT WITH YOU.
[ ?????? ]
SO MANY MEN, SO LITTLE BODY HAIR.
SEE ANY YOU LIKE?
HIM.
I GUESS.
YOU?
HIM.
HE'S KIND OF YOUNG.
LET'S GO FOR IT.
OR WE COULD GO HOME,
JUST THE TWO OF US.
WHAT ABOUT THE GAME?
FUCK THE GAME.
[ ?????? ]